Embracing Another Change

Sometimes, it feels like life changes instantly, like there is no transition. One minute you are going one way, and the next, you are going somewhere completely different. I would like to say that I did not know how I ended up here, but I do. I do know how and why I am going to be transferring to USF, and sadly, I knew deep down back in December that I would not be able to return to the school that I love and adore. I knew that my health would not be strong enough. I am not trying to sound pessimistic, but I knew deep in my soul that I would not be returning to DBU this August. I simply refused to acknowledge this feeling for months and months until I was forced to last week. This realization hit me hard, and I was left wondering, "What on earth could be better than DBU?" After all, I have met some of the most amazing people out there. How could I say goodbye to the people that I admire the most in the world?

As one of my sisters would readily agree to, I was a histrionic and melodramatic mess. I was impossible to live with for at least a week as all I wanted to do was cry, whine, and moan about how much I wanted to go back to DBU. When anyone would try to soothe me with wisdom and the truth that the world had not ended and in fact is still revolving around the sun, I would give the aggravating, "yes, but it is not the same!" answer.

I pleaded and pleaded with God. His answer remained the same. I am not strong enough to return. At first, I refused to accept this answer because, of course, I must return to DBU. 

Then a change happened as I began to realize that there is not only one place for a person to be. It took me a long time to understant that it would be okay if the plan changed. If God changed the school that I would attend, it would not be a bad thing. I had a hard time accepting this. In fact, for a long time, I refused to accept this. It was going to be my way, and that was that. I remembered how my high school years had gone and how God had different plans than mine. I followed Him, but I was not crazy about not being able to graduate from the school that I had been at since 7th grade. I did not want to have to sacrifice my plans again. My selfish heart refused to give up my dream of graduating from DBU.

Then I realized how wrong I was. Change is not a bad thing. It can be a very good thing. Also, change is not permanent as another change will be along soon. Most importantly, God does not make mistakes. He uses every experience to grow us and mold us to be more like Him. It is up to us to say, "Your will be done, Lord, and please allow me learn and grow from this experience that I am now walking in." It is up to us to have a willing heart to follow and obey Him day in and day out. It took speaking with a very dear and amazing couple from Texas to finally get into my head. They told me that in all situations, it is up to you to be better because of the situation or be bitter because of the situation. Bitter or better? It is up to you. The phrase "it is up to you" is still ringing in my ears. They are completely right! It is up to me to say to God that I will trust Him and follow Him. I will go where He leads, even if I do not understand it now. 

I have so much to be thankful for! I have a wonderful, supportive family, who put up with my craziness and moodiness. I cannot even begin to count the number of people praying for me! I mean, wow!! I wish that I could sit down with each person and thank each one for praying personally! I believe that it is the greatest gift that someone can give as it is talking to the Lord Almighty on another's behalf. 

Growing up, I felt like this passage was over quoted, but now, it is just so sweet to me! It is a wonderful description of Jesus and how He leads us through our lives: 

Psalm 23 (ESV)

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Letting Go of My Plan

The lack of solidity to plans will never cease to amaze me. One day, the plan is going according to schedule; goals are being checked off in timely fashion, one after another. And then, it happens. Something out of the blue occurs, and the well-set, "perfect" plan unravels into a pile of thread. Being a planner by nature, I do not handle my plans falling apart well. In fact, I tend to be a moody mess of a person until I get over it. My poor family! (They should really get a reward for putting up with me, by the way!)  Here they are, yet again, dealing with my sulky and ornery self as my heart's desire is to back to DBU. 

I love everything about DBU! The faculty, students, education, location, atmosphere, everything! There is just something about being a part of the school that makes my heart sing. However, for health reasons, I have had to be home since December. The original plan was to return to DBU this fall, but my health is not currently cooperating. To be honest, I truly do not know where I will be attending school this fall. It will either be DBU or a Florida school that has accepted me. 

Knowing that this doctor's visit would be discouraging, I decided to be optimistic anyways. I was again reminded that returning to Dallas does not appear to be a wise choice. Despite numerous people, whose opinions I trust and value, telling me that staying in Florida would be wise, my expectations have been to return to Dallas. 

Prior to attending DBU the very first time, I was very sick. Two months before school would be starting, I was on a complete liquid diet. Every meal consisted of a protein shake. God had made it very clear to me that I was to attend to DBU. However, I did not know if that would be in two months or in January. And then, He performed a miracle! I started in August 2011. I am eternally grateful for my time and opportunities at DBU. I have learned so much from my professors and friends there. I am forever changed because of my time there.

Now, here I am again. My health is not doing well. This time, though, I do not have peace about where God wants me to be come this August. Scared of God's answer, I have not been willing to be still before Him and just listen. Rather, I am here pleading and pleading for Him to allow me to return to the school that I love and adore. After all, shouldn't I return to the school that molded me into who I am now? 

The answer is no, not necessarily. 

I was reading a book today about being thankful that a dear mentor gave to me a while back ago. Towards the end of the first chapter, I was hit by a thought that I have been chewing on all day. The book mentions the lesson of Hezekiah and Manasseh (2 Kings 20-21). King Hezekiah was supposed to die from illness, but rather than accepting God's plan, he pleads with God to allow him to live longer. God allows Hezekiah to live longer, and he has a son Manasseh. Manasseh succeeds his father to the throne, and he is a very evil king and leads the Israelites away from God. Think about what would have been avoided had Hezekiah chosen to say yes to God's plan instead? The book I am reading goes on to say, "Just that maybe... maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds" (Voskamp 21). God knows the story and how it unfolds - I don't! 

This hit me like a ton of bricks! Maybe, God has a purpose for me at a Florida public university that I do not know about. Maybe, there is an important reason that I need to be there, besides of my health. As I have been mulling over this tonight, I am finally at peace. No, I do not know if I am going to be at DBU or not, but that is okay. I know that wherever I go, that God has a plan for me (Jer. 29:11).  He will guide me as to where I should go to school in His timing, and that is more than okay. It is good!

This is from one of my favorite picnic benches at DBU

A Storm in the Midst of Sunshine

Sometimes creating a list of all of the negatives in life is just so much easier than focusing on all of the blessings that God has poured out on me. This semester has been a struggle health wise. As some people know, I manage to find doctors who are not very good. Almost any time that I share a story about what happened with such and such doctor, the listener looks at me with large eyes and is shocked that a doctor would actually do that to a patient. Unfortunately, today I added a new one of those stories to my journey. However, I am going to skip over what happened today and leave it as another door closed. I sat in my car in this particular doctor's parking lot for a while just wondering what I am to do next. I have been itching to get back to Dallas ever since I came home in January. While I have made some health progress, I have not made nearly enough to go to Dallas in August. I felt alone as I sat there in my car.

While it is a beautiful day full of glorious sunshine, I am a raging storm on the inside. The hardest thing about this whole situation is that I am having to let go of all of my plans and dreams. I am a planner and doer by nature. While I have been learning to loosely hold onto plans, I have never had to completely let go of everything and come to a place where I dust every plan, aspiration, and dream off of my hands and look to God with completely empty hands. I have always known that there is nothing that I can give God, but I have never had to purge myself of everything while focusing on Him before.In the midst of countless tears today, I have slowly felt God's peace come to rest inside of me again. I know that everything is going to okay, and God has a plan that is unfolding. I have no idea what His plan is at all, but He is in control. And most importantly by His mercy, I am okay with that. I have no idea where I am going to be come August, but I do not know need to know right at this second.While I am still upset about what happened today, I know that God has everything under control and that He has not abandoned me.

Then, He began to remind me of all of my blessings. I am richly blessed with a wonderful family who constantly supports and encourages me. They pray for me regularly and ask their friends to do the same. I am also richly blessed with friends and mentors who also regularly pray for me and encourage me. I could not ask for more! I am eternally grateful for every person that God has placed in my life! I am overwhelmed by their love, encouragement and prayers! It deeply humbles me and I am so blessed by each and every person in my life.

The Lord Jesus is the anchor of my soul. He will never leave nor forsake His children. He will give me His strength to live each day. I do not know what you are going through, but I can ensure you that while everything may seem to be crumbling and falling around you, Jesus is right there besides you! He is not going to let you fall. I hope that this can encourage you while/when you go through a storm! It may be the darkest storm that you are going through, but Jesus will carry you through it!

Matt 11:28-30 
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Psalm 34:17-22
17 When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears
    and delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
    but the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He keeps all his bones;
    not one of them is broken.
21 Affliction will slay the wicked,
    and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems the life of his servants;
    none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.

Psalm 23 

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalms%2023&version=ESV

Kari Jobe - Healer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yzejd6r9DwE

A Valentine's Day Gift for Tia

When I was in seventh grade, my great Aunt Maria decided to come visit us for Christmas. Everyone affectionately calls her Tia. (Tia is Spanish for aunt). Tia had not visited us for a while now, but the timing was not by accident. My father and his brothers and sisters were deeply concerned that Tia was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Of course, they discussed this quietly to each other, but I am certain that Tia caught wind of it.

My sisters and I were bubbling with excitement over the day of Tia’s arrival. Unfortunately, my father kept putting a damper on Tia’s visit.

“Now,” he would say, “Tia is getting old. She is not as strong as she once was. You all have to be careful and make sure to help her as much as possible.”    

We would roll our eyes and say in unison, “Yeah, whatever, Dad. We know.”

Tia’s highly anticipated visit finally arrived. At first, everything was perfect. We ate. We laughed. We made memories.

Then, it happened. On Sunday morning, I came bounding down the stairs, all ready for church. My mom came out of the guest room with a worried look on her face. I could hear my father and Tia talking in Spanish in tense tones.

My mom gave me a tired smile and said, “Tia can’t find her shoes.”

I frowned a little and waited.

“She thinks the flight attendant stole her shoes.” She paused and closed her eyes. Then she said, “Get ready to leave in five minutes.”

After we came home from church, Tia grabbed my hand and said, “Let’s go sit by the pool and talk. Just you and I.”

I smiled at her and helped her sit on the steps. We talked for hours, listening to the music of the pool’s waterfall.She bestowed upon me her wisdom and life experiences. Something that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

When it was time to go inside, I stood up from the steps. I started to help Tia up, but then stopped. She grasped the bar on the screen and started to pull herself up with fierce determination. I saw a strong woman defying her enfeebled body. I stayed alert, ready to catch her at any moment, but she did not need my help.

With satisfaction in her eyes, she said to me, “Thank you.”

“For what?” I asked.

She looked at me and replied, “For not helping me get up. Everyone treats me as if I am a child and incapable of doing anything on my own. Thank you for treating me with respect and not as a child.”

Her words shook me to my core. I will never forget them. With those few words, Tia gave me an insight into the humiliation of the elderly. Despite all the knowledge an elder possesses, she is most likely treated as a child. All of the respect that comes with being an adult is ripped away. Instead, people treat her as if she is incapable of doing anything.

Shortly after this visit, my father’s, uncle’s, and aunts’ suspicions were confirmed. Tia has Alzheimer’s disease. This degrading disease robbed her from us. Now, she is in the later stages of Alzheimer’s. Her body is there, but her spirit is gone. How I wish I could go back to this last visit and soak up some more time.

Tia, I love you. This is my Valentine’s Day gift for you though you probably will never read it.

God is bigger

Lately, I have been continuing to be getting sicker. Honestly, my faith is wearing thin. As every day comes, my faith seems to be getting weaker. Daily doubts plague me - Why am I getting worse? Why won't God heal me? I am becoming a useless blob. I am failure for not getting well -... I couldn't shake them from mind. Instead these feelings of hopelessness continued to grow with each passing day. 


Then last night, my mom asked for my help pick out a Veggie Tales video to send to my little cousin Genna. We were looking at all of them debating, unable to make up our minds. Then I saw the very first Veggie Tales episode, and we decided that one would be perfect. After we rewound the VHS, we decided to watch it to ensure that it stills works. Little did I know that God was going to use that tape to teach me yet again. I don't know if you remember/know what the first episode of the Veggie Tales is or not. It has two different stories in it. One has to deal with Junior Asparagus being scared and the other has to deal with Daniel in the lion's den. When Junior is scared, Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber fall into Junior's room to teach him about God. They tell Junior that God created the whole universe and deeply loves His creation. They go on to sing...
When you're lying in your bed, and the room is getting creepy... God is bigger than the boogie man, He's bigger than godzilla or the monsters on TV.... And He's watching out for you and me!  (I cut out several parts). 


Then when David is in the lion's den, I don't quite remember exactly how it went, but I do remember the message. Now matter how scary our situation is, God is there to carry us through our struggles.


There's also the song that Esther sings in the Veggie Tales video...
The battle is not our's. We look to God above. For He will guide us safely through and guard us with His love. So do not be afraid. We need not run and hide. For there is nothing that we cannot face when God is at our side.


God is bigger than my situation, and GOD will carry me through this. I do not need to worry or be scared. Now matter how scary or monstrous our situations are, God is bigger than all of them. He will carry us through the situations because of His love for us and to demonstrate His glory to others. I often get so wrapped up in my situation that I forget that this life is not mine to live, but our lives are to bring glory to God.

Craziness

It will never cease to amaze me how I am like I got this, and then God will show me in reality, I couldn't be farther from it! Like patience, so often I am like I totally have patience and trust down and then something will happen and God shows me that I truly haven't mastered either yet. A little over a week ago, I was just starting to heal from a virus that I caught and just catching up in school again. The next thing I know, I got a secondary infection from the virus and this time it was worse than before. It spread pretty rapidly and I desperately needed an antibiotic which I started on this past Tuesday. The only problem is while the antibiotic is killing the respiratory infection, it is damaging my digestive tract, which hasn't healed from the celiac thing yet. All those feelings of frustration and desperation came back in a flash. I really just don't know what to do. I'm very behind in school and in a lot of abdominal pain. All the patience, trust, and dependence  in God I have been learning seemed to just fly out the window. Today, I was simply burdened. I almost didn't go to jubilation due to the fact my abdomen is in so much pain, but I am so glad that I did! By worshiping God through song, He comforted me and gave me His peace that He has everything under control. At the end of practice, our church's minister of music talked to us about a passage from Matthew about prayer. One of the verses he talked about truly stuck out to me... 

Matthew 6:8 "... for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

It is such a beautiful promise and reminder! When everything in life seems to be crumbling, God knows what we need and He has a plan to take care of it! He knows about every little thing in our lives! It reminds me of the song..."How deep the Father's love for us. How vast beyond all measure. That He should give His only Son to make a wretch His treasure..." How deep the Father's Love

Philippians 4:6-7 "Do not be anxious in about anything, but in prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Something I've been learning...

The past three years have definitely been a roller coaster, but I wouldn't trade them for the anything in world. God is always in control, especially when life seems out of control. Why is it that completely trusting Him is so difficult? It should be the simplist thing. That is one lesson  that this experience taught me - I rely way too much on myself. I need to rely on God for my daily strengthen because in my own power, I will fail. In God's power, I will succeed. Don't get me wrong! I definitely do not have this mastered at all! But that is the beauty of it. I do not need to "master" it. Christianity is not a check list. It is a lifestyle and a journey. God patiently and lovingly molds us into His image, not on our accord, but through His almighty power. We are His artwork. Our life should shout to the world that we are not of this world, that we are the handy work of our Creator!